


the only thing we know how to do

by notthebigspoon



Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-14
Updated: 2013-11-14
Packaged: 2018-01-01 11:29:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1044292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notthebigspoon/pseuds/notthebigspoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>    Darin knows that there is something fundamentally wrong with the way he’s wired. He knows that because people keep telling him there is. The problem is that he’s not sure what it is that’s wrong with him or how to fix it. He never wanted to hurt anyone. The look on Clayton’s face, that hurt and heartache, it had been too much to bear. But Darin didn’t understand it, didn’t understand why he’d be hurt. None of the other guys ever were.</p><p>Title taken from Play Hard by David Guetta.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the only thing we know how to do

    Darin knows that there is something fundamentally wrong with the way he’s wired. He knows that because people keep telling him there is. The problem is that he’s not sure what it is that’s wrong with him or how to fix it. He never wanted to hurt anyone. The look on Clayton’s face, that hurt and heartache, it had been too much to bear. But Darin didn’t understand it, didn’t understand why he’d be hurt. None of the other guys ever were.

    He finds himself asking Braun, of all people. He’s lying on his stomach in bed, watching the older man through the bathroom door as he shaves. Ryan Braun is the last person in the world to ask about sanity and honesty but, like in all other things in Darin’s life, he’s the person immediately at hand. When Darin lays out the situation and asks him what he thinks, Ryan laughs and snorts.

    “Seriously? Kershaw? All the Dodgers at your disposal and you pick fucking Kershaw?”

    “He’s sweet…” Darin trails off, biting his lip and frowning. “I liked him. He was fun. But now he’s sad. I made him sad. I don’t want him to be sad. But I don’t know why he’s sad.”

    “He’s not like me and you.” Ryan answers, lathering his face. “He takes stuff seriously. He wants someone to be with, to love him and all that. To just be with him and him with them.”

    Darin frowns. “People do that? Don’t they get bored?”

    “Some do. Most don’t. They love each other. Makes the monotony worth it at the end of the day. Do you love Kershaw?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Do you love me?”

    “No.” Darin answers, rubbing his temples. “I like you. You’re fun. But I don’t love you. You’re my friend. I like you.”

    “I like you too.” Ryan smiles, the smile dropping as he focuses on shaving. Darin stifles a whimper. He’s always loved watching Ryan do this. “But what’s enough for me isn’t enough for him. He wants you to only be with him. Afraid you’d get bored?”

    “I don’t know. Maybe. He makes the noise in my head stop.”

    “Maybe you should try it. You seem happier when LA has been around anyway.”

    “He makes me happy.” Darin trails off, sitting up when Ryan wipes his face and shuts the water off.

    “Everybody makes you happy.”

    “You’re not making me happy right now.”

    “Sorry baby. I’ll try again.” Ryan grins, pushing him onto his back. His body covers Darin’s and that smooth jaw rubs against his neck. He shudders, arches up beneath Ryan, and for a little while, he forgets about Clayton.

    Darin always feels a little more sorry when the Twins leave Milwaukee or when the Brewers leave Minneapolis. He doesn’t love Ryan but he likes him. Ryan doesn’t think that there’s anything wrong with him. Ryan has always said that Darin is the way he is, there’s nothing wrong with and no changing him, that’s it and that’s all. He’s the only one.

    Their next stop is Boston. Darin likes Boston. Boston means beer and Big Papi, two of Darin’s favorite things. He poses the same questions to David that he did to Ryan. David is more confused than anything else and Darin starts to get the uneasy feeling that there’s a lot more wrong with him than anyone has told him. It’s hard to dwell on it when David is so big, all of him, shutting Darin’s brain off entirely.

    He spends the rest of the road trip and half a homestand trying to sort out where the disconnect comes between him and other people. He doesn’t ask any more of his boyfriend. It seems to take away from the sex and Darin doesn’t want that. He likes sex almost as much he likes baseball and he’s equally good at both. It makes him happy when he hears he’s the best someone has ever had.

    The next time they’re in LA, he’s benched with a twisted ankle. He spends game one perched on the bench in the visiting dugout of Angel Stadium and wishes that Clayton would call him back. He knows that Trumbo wants him to come home with him tonight. And Darin really wants to because Trumbo is hung and fun but Darin can only think of finding Clayton's place so he can see Clayton again.

    All he has to do is ask CJ Wilson if he knows where Clayton lives. He does and Wilson seems strangely pleased with the development, giving him a name and address for the hotel before asking if Darin wants a ride, an offer Darin accepts. He sees a picture of John Stamos and Brandon Crawford on the dashboard. He should try that sometime. Sex with one person is great but sex with two must be fantastic.

    The apartment building is huge and shiny. Wilson gave him the floor and room and he wanders through the lobby to the elevator bank. There’s people everywhere but no sign of Clayton. Maybe he went somewhere with someone. Maybe he found someone new. Ryan had said that people like Clayton were looking for people that weren’t like himself and Darin.

    Clayton is in his apartment and he doesn’t look at all pleased to see Darin. He allows Darin in with a grudging impatience, returning to the couch and asking him what he wants. It hurts. Clayton never was impatient or short with him before. It seems like that’s all he is anymore. He probably doesn’t like Darin anymore. Darin doesn’t like it when people don’t like him.

    “I like baseball. And I like sex. They’re my two favorite things and I like people that like these things and like me. And I know that there’s something wrong with the way I am but I don’t know what it is because… because to me, this is normal. Ryan and David both said some people only like one person and you were one of those people.”

    “That’s right.” Clayton answers wearily. “Some of us don’t have a boyfriend in every city. Some of us only have sex with one person, one person that we love, one person. Some of us don’t sleep with-”

    “I’m sorry.” Darin asks softly, without really knowing what he’s apologizing for other than hurting Clayton’s feelings. “I’m sorry I made you sad. I didn’t know I would. I didn’t mean to.”

    “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. But find yourself another boyfriend in LA. It’s not a job for me.”

    Darin blinks back tears. He doesn’t want another boyfriend. He wants Clayton. He tells him that, choking back any further tears. “Ryan asked if I love you. I said yes. I do. I like him but I love you. I only like any of the others. I don’t want to not see you anymore.”

    “I can’t share you. I’ve had to do that too many times. I know you do what you like, what you’re good at, but…” Clayton trails off, shaking his head. He’s frowning. “How can that be all you do? Sex and baseball?”

    “It’s what I like… what I’m good at.” Darin answers weakly, feeling so painfully stupid. “I just… it’s what I do.”

    They sit in silence and Darin doesn’t know what to do. He wants to plead with Clayton to listen, to realize that Darin wants him in a way that he’s never wanted anyone else. But Darin doesn’t have the words for that. He doesn’t know how to tell Clayton that he doesn’t want to hurt people. Darin doesn’t know what to do with people at all. He spends all his times with his boyfriends because he knows what to expect with them, what to do. It’s easier.

    He gets up, heads for the door because no one is talking and he doesn’t know what to do other than to go find someone who does want to be around him. Someone he can’t hurt or disappoint. He hates hurting or disappointing people. He only wants to make people happy and there’s only two ways he knows how to do that. Clayton doesn’t want him to do either of those for him. He… he hates Darin. A hand catches his wrist.

    “Do you love me or do you just think you’re supposed to?”

    “I love you…” Darin answers, wrinkling his forehead in confusion. “Why would I say I did if I didn’t?”

    “Some people do that.” Clayton frowns. “Some people will say anything to get what they want.”

    “I don’t. That’s stupid. If I don’t get something, I don’t get it. Nothing I can do about it. Like… like now. I really want you but if you don’t want me…”

    “I do want you Darin. I just… I can’t share with all of those guys. I can only be with one person and I want to know that I can be the only person he needs to be happy.” Clayton says quietly. “That’s what I need, Darin. I’m sorry. But that’s it.”

    “Guess I’m sorry too.” Darin mumbles, fidgeting his hands before hanging his head and shuffling out of the room.

    Sad isn’t an emotional state of being that Darin often passes into. He’s there now, though, and he’d forgotten how much it sucks. He doesn’t want to go back to the team hotel and somehow he doesn’t want to go see Trumbo or Ethier either. He gnaws on his lip and ultimately opts for the hotel. He closes his eyes on the ride there, forehead pressed against the cool glass of the window.

    He’s okay all the way up to the point that he’s crawling into bed. But then that awful, crushing feeling that’s been plaguing him since he left Clayton’s hotel crashes down around him. Before he even knows he’s doing it, he’s calling Ryan and sobbing out that he’s ruined everything. He doesn’t know how to be like other people and until he does, he’s going to be so very alone, he’ll always be alone. Clayton hates him and now everyone else will too. He cries himself to sleep.


End file.
